Five Band Dudes I'd Totally Make Out With

Revolver Magazine’s annual Hottest Chicks In Metal issue never fails to rile up my fellow vagina-Americans. Whether it's something fun and reactionary like Reign In Blonde's Bracket competition, or Grim Kim's quest to shine a light on the most esoteric black/doom/gore metal bands to include females in their line-ups, it's nice to know that my metal sisters are taking it all in stride and turning things around on the boys. So naturally, I decided to join in on the fun.

For my own foray into exploitation, I've created a short list of band guys I'd like to get to first base with—plus my inner 15-year-old self's daydream setting for the event. I'm fully aware that my taste in dudes comes off as a study in contradictions, but there's one clear deal breaker: I fucking hate beards. If I wanted to exfoliate my face, I'd do it with a fine Kiehl's product. That tangent aside, I proudly present:

FIVE BAND DUDES I'D TOTALLY MAKE OUT WITH -

The Sword's Kyle Shutt
Kyle has a really sweet, aw-shucks quality about him that I can't get enough of. It's almost as if the baby-faced Texas boy didn't realize how adorable he was growing up, but once those glasses came off (so dorky-cute, btw!) and he strapped on a guitar, the swagger just started flowing. Holler at me, blondie.
Fantasy Makeout Scenario: Over Shiners, tubing down the Comal River.

Earthless' Mario Rubalcaba
In addition to being a mesmerizing drummer who's played with a succession of eclectic bands like Hot Snakes and Rocket From The Crypt, Mario gives off a laid-back Cali vibe that really gets me going. His ex-pro skateboarder status adds 10 sexy points for the scars alone.
Fantasy Makeout Scenario: On the sand, Venice Beach, 3 am.

H.I.M.'s Ville Valo
This hot Finnish tart is the world’s only true living rock star and this generation's sexiest frontman. Not only does Ville exude star quality effortlessly, he also somehow gets sexier the more dirty and unkept he becomes. The sooner we share our lovemetalheartagramblack kiss, the better.
Fantasy Makeout Scenario: Sitting on Ville's lap, oversized couch, W Los Angeles.

Madball's Freddy Cricien
I've always been a sucker for Latino dudes, and Freddy just fulfills my burly hardcore stud quota with that barrel chest and gruff voice. Plus those giant hands would be so good for holding, feeling, spanking. Yum.
Fantasy Makeout Scenario: Sitting on stoop, Avenue C, springtime.
 

Goatwhore's Ben Falgoust
First brought to my attention through Revolvher’s Hottest Men In Metal list, Falgoust has quickly become the George Clooney of the extreme metal set. Maybe it’s all that glorious hair or those warrior-inspired armbands, but Ben's smoldering sexuality definitely comes from a gallant place. Thank you, Rebecca.
Fantasy Makeout Scenario: By a bonfire, New Orleans suburbs.


Photo Credits - Shutt: Jay West Photography; Cricien: Helena Kusters; Falgoust: Angela Boatwright.

Shut Up And Listen To... Red Fang

No matter how many parties and showcases I tried to squeeze in last week at SxSW, I still managed to miss a band I heard a ton of awesome things about: Portland's Red Fang. These guys sound like the missing link between The Melvins and Queens of the Stone Age, with a laconic Sword influence thrown in. I haven't been able to stop listening to their self-titled debut all goddamn weekend.

Here's a video for Red Fang's "Prehistoric Dog."


...And a bonus video of them performing "Sharks" in Austin.


Just shut up and listen.

SxSW Recap

Before I head out to the airport to resume my life in brick-cold NYC, I wanted to share a quick breakdown of my recent Austin activities.

First off, the HIGH TIMES Doobie Awards were a triumphant success. All the bands who played—including Year Long Disaster, Blower, Graveyard BBQ, Black Water Rising, Earthless and Priestess—were absolutely fantastic. And some notable locals like Nick Oliveri, Kings X's Doug Pinnick and the Sword guys showed up to party (and in the latter's case, it was a chance to pick up the world's only award you can smoke out of).

The Sword Accepting Their Doobie Award

Bobby Black Joins Blower Onstage

In four days, I managed to watch 37 bands play and saw Earthless the most, at three shows. I lost track of how many beers I drank, but I'd say the ratio of freebies to actual drinks paid for was 4:1, easy. And then there were the Flaming Dr. Pepper shots. There are also almost 300 snapshots on Flickr commemorating the sights and sounds of SxSW, with more short videos to come.



I also ate sausage for four days straight, mostly of the smoked jalapeno and cheddar variety. C'mon, can you think of a better snack than that to watch Bang Camaro with? I did miss migas, but we'll see if I can do anything about that at the airport.

Bang Camaro

That said, I wanted to give a shout out to Bobby Black & everyone at HT, Merilee 666, Doug Didgit, Mel & Patrick, Diane Kamikaze, Vegas Price, Pot Star, Sonya, Aaron Bush and all my favorite locals for making the trip a fantastic one. See y'all next year!

2008's Finest: Music Edition

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