An Open Letter To Nathan Fillion

Dear Nathan,

We get it. You were once on a cult TV show called Firefly that some say was unjustly cancelled after only one season. But guess what? You bounced back. You’re on a fantastic new program called Castle that’s just been picked up for a full second season (and hopefully a third season is forthcoming, as well).

So it boggles my mind when you constantly hearken back to those days of yesteryear. Last night’s episode, "Vampire Weekend," with its gratuitous opening scene where you DRESSED LIKE YOUR OLD CHARACTER, was absolutely grating. Perhaps it’s because I was never a Firefly fan that I feel this way; but more importantly, by doing this you’re selling yourself short. The habitual shout-outs, Easter eggs and homages to Firefly are like the mass media equivalent of talking about some long-lost ex-girlfriend when you have a brand-new hottie on your arm.

Real talk: you are a handsome, charismatic slab of Canadian ham. Castle lets you explore your comedic timing, your depth of character by casting you as a family man, and a team player surrounded by a wonderful supporting cast (just ask Entertainment Weekly, who said as much in a recent issue). And let’s not underscore the sizzling chemistry you have with co-star, Stana Katic. Do you really think your demographic is limited to Firefly fanboys (or “Browncoats,” as it were)? You don’t see Susan Sullivan going on about her days on Falcon Crest, do you?

So please, Nathan, enough already. Do like your daughter on the show suggested and move on… However, should you ever decide to come over dressed like the sexy evil priest, Caleb, you played on that last season of Buffy, I’d keep it just between us.

Thanks, babe. Happy Halloween.

xoxoxoxo,

Z

My Superfluous New Year's Resolutions

As Angel and I were indulging in Chinese food before heading to a matinee of Milk on New Year’s Day (aka Jewish X-Mas II: Electric Boogaloo), we discussed our resolutions. Every year, my boo says the same thing: “[I’m going] to be less tolerant of others and be more hateful.” And although I gave it some thought and do have some serious goals I’d like to achieve, I’m throwing these bonus resolutions out there. Enjoy.


1. Become An NHL Player Trophy Wife:
I know this is incredibly fucking lofty. For one thing, I’ve never been a very good groupie. Then the obvious: I’m pretty much the antithesis of an actual trophy wife. I’m neither tall, blonde nor drop-dead stunning. And I’m mouthy. Very, very mouthy. This is all detrimental to my career as a gold digger.

But let’s think about it for a minute: Most hockey players are of Scandinavian, Eastern European or Canadian descent, they love beer, and the overwhelming majority of them are metalheads. I think I might stand a chance yet… especially if I aim for a minor leaguer (I’m looking at you, Brooklyn Aces). Even if they’re young and divorce me for some vapid bimbo after they goes pro, I can still get the starter marriage/alimony package out of the way.

2. Punch Someone In The Face Really Hard:
This is actually Angel’s second favorite resolution to make, but I’m jacking it. Don’t say something stupid, or it might apply to you.

3. Talk More Shit:
This might not even be possible, as even a French Canadian hook-up with a minimal grasp of English figured out I was a world-class shit-talker within 24 hours of meeting me. But fuck it, if you’re good, why quit?

4. Read More Comic Books:
Everyone knows I wear my nerd cred on my sleeve, but I’ve really fallen off on my comic book reading. Sure I got through Y: The Last Man, Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season 8 and Jonah Hex in 2008, but that’s not nearly enough. In ’09, I’m starting a graphic novel club. You're welcome, Jonah B.

5. Stay Away From The Arrow:
Happy hour can be such a mixed blessing. Sure, the drinks are cheap, but it starts so early that by the time the clock hits 10 pm, I’m drunk-texting manifestos to half my contact list. So what makes The Arrow the scapegoat for this? Half the people I know in the music industry DJ here weekly, so between July and October, I think I spent at least one night there each week. That’s too much commitment for me, Rodeo was starting to get jealous.

Watch: I’ll be spinning there by March. Khia into John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band, anyone?