Trial By Fire

Too soon? I still assert that The Walking Dead's interestingly-named IronE Singleton should play Christopher Dorner in the inevitable Hollywood film chronicling what's played out in Los Angeles over the last few weeks.

Stolen from Alex Skolnick's Instagram account

My Top Five Most Memorable Concerts

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At this point, it's fair to say I've been to a lot of concerts. After recently watching the Wetlands Preserved documentary and finding it difficult to recall a specific highlight from the blur of shows I attended at the eponymous club, I challenged myself to come up with the top five favorite concerts of my youth without reference or research, completely biased by the transcendent experiences I had. (In fairness, too, the hazy Wetlands memories could've have had something to the club's liberal smoking policy.)

Nine Inch Nails @ Webster Hall, 5/13/94
My initial impression of this show was seeing the generator they used to power it parked in the middle of E11th Street. How loud was this going to get? Once perched in the balcony, the intense experience played out more like movie scene about a concert than a real gig. Violently running through material from Pretty Hate Machine, Broken and the freshly released Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nails was in its raw prime. Dancers writhed on poles, a barrage of strobe lights created trippy illusions, and the balcony shook so hard that I feared it would give out. On Friday the 13th. Trent Reznor was never quite so fuckable ever again.


[Bonus: "The Only Time"]

Jane's Addiction @ Madison Square Garden, 4/24/91
To this day, I don't think any band has ever made a room as big as MSG seem so warm and intimate. Still at the height of their Ritual de lo Habitual popularity, the forefathers of alternative rock recreated the theme of the album—including a huge mural depicting the cover—through a red-hued stage set resplendent with stringed lights and carpets. That freed up the band to dive head-first into a set comprised of "Stop!" "Jane Says" and "Ocean Size" while connecting with the audience in a wholly organic way. Singing along with the majority of the crowd for the entirety of "Three Days" was epic, as was their steel tub drum circle interlude (really!). Good practice for the inaugural Lollapalooza festival a few months later.



Testament & White Zombie @ The Ritz, 8/1/92
Still very much a teenager, this was the first show at which I rode the crowd—during "Alone in the Dark," no less. Surfing through the pit produced an unforgettable sensation of momentary weightlessness, almost as if I was being guided by the song's sinuous Egyptian guitar scales. Coddled during the pre-Limp Bizkit era, male concertgoers hadn't yet started taking it as an opportunity to molest women en masse. And White Zombie were still a local band.



The Ramones @ Roseland Ballroom, 11/10/92
I'd never experienced a concert by a band with such universal appeal before this. Though it was incredible to see the Ramones play a rapid fire greatest-hits set (and if I recall correctly, "Spider-Man"), the people watching was nearly as stunning. The local stalwarts had an innate ability to pull a wide cross-section of NYC's populace out of the woodwork to see them play. Alongside me were skinheads, punk rockers, metalheads in Manowar back patches, pals from junior high school, various freaks, a former camp counselor, supermodels, and 60+ year old women with fur coats over their shoulders. If you wanted to bump into anyone from your past, a Ramones show would have been your best bet. Nowadays, it's Motorhead.



Slayer @ Anytime, Any town, Anyplace
Slayer is up there with sex and pizza—even when things are a little bit off, they're still pretty good. But if I had to choose, I'd say their most momentous shows were on their Undisputed Attitude run. Slayer had a two-night stint at Irving Plaza in early August 1996 and because they were pimping their superb covers record, they padded several cuts into their sets, including Verbal Abuse's "I Hate You," T.S.O.L's "Abolish Government" and Minor Threat's "Guilty of Being White." Leaving the show, sweaty and bruised, my friend and devoted punk rocker Louhawk turned to me and reveled, "Dude, we just saw Slayer play Minor Threat." The bewildered and consummate look on his face said it all.



[Bonus: "Filler"]

PS: This meme is truth.

Dear Dave Grohl

Dear Dave Grohl,

I'm writing because as I sit here organizing a list of 2010 album releases, I realize that Probot II isn't among them. So I'm thinking maybe you should get going on that now that you got Them Crooked Vultures out of the way.

Congratulations on its success, by the way. In particular, I enjoyed the way you sassed the media and your label by withholding music, plus you got to play with John Paul Jones! And sure, people are pretending to like it, but we both know Them Crooked Vultures is kind of trite. On the contrary, everyone loved Probot—and it's been almost six years since the first album came out.

I know you're busy. You've got your tour, the holidays are coming up fast and the Top Chef finale is a week away (will it be Kevin? The Voltaggio bros?), so I've decided to make it easy for you. Below you'll find a list of vocalists I think you should work with. Hell, I'll even project manage the thing if you promise to throw Ville Valo into the mix for a bonus track.

Anyway, give it some thought. You know how to reach me.

Z

1. Chuck Billy
   
2. Rob Halford
3. Bruce Dickinson*
4. Down**
5. Dave Mustaine
6. Tomas Lindberg
7. Hank Von Helvete
8. Sean Harris (Diamond Head)
   
9. Kyle Thomas (Exhorder)
   
10. Glenn Danzig
11. Mark "Barney" Greenway
    
12. Dwid Hellion (Integrity)
    
13. Robert Plant***
    

*If you can’t get him, you can always try for Eric Adams.
**Imagine all that Bower power on guitar with Anselmo and Pepper fighting for vocal duties.
***Just to keep John Paul Jones on his toes.

Photo lifted from MyChemicalToilet.