Heavy Name, Wussy Band

For a while now, I've been convinced that every good band name has already been taken—how else can one account for all the dumbass poly-lexeme monikers going around these days? I'm looking at you, All Shall Perish, All That Remains, and As I Lay Dying (even if I refuse to tell y'all apart).

What makes matters even worse is that some of the last few tough, metal-sounding names have apparently been taken by undeserving hipsters, scenesters and goddamn Canadians. Need examples? Check out this array of loathsome offenders.

Exhibit A: Warpaint
When I think of warpaint, my mind evokes images of sweaty battlers, somewhere between Braveheart and Joey DeMaio's loincloth, bellowing a wretched cacophony that makes Skeletonwitch sound like Brokencyde. Instead, LA's Warpaint is comprised of three little girls singing breathy, shoegazer indie rock. Which begs the question: why would they even want that name?
Name: B+
Band: C


Exhibit B: Band of Skulls
Full disclosure—I actually dug their record (and not because NME told me to), but the fact remains that these Brits have more in common with the Verve than they do with the Wino-led side project this name was meant for. At least they actually wear skulls.
Name: C+
Band: B-


Exhibit C: Valley of the Shadow of Death
Surely I thought these Canadians were in league with Satan, but instead VotSoD aren't even hard enough to serve as muzak in hell's waiting room—they make friggin' Sigur Ros seem fast paced. To make things even worse, they refer to themselves as "electroacoustic." Hang on, my eyes are still rolling... yes, ELECTROACOUSTIC. I guess poutine really is an elixer for oxymoronic categorization.
Name: B-
Band: D+

At this very moment, there are surely dozens of unattractive baby bands jamming in their basements, desperately seeking ways to add the suffix "-ition" to a thesaurus full of surgical terms; this plea is for them. I propose a band-name exchange program that finally allows fans to judge emerging artists in the way they were meant to—by superficialities and really obnoxious, allover-print merch.