Friday, March 6, 2009

Lil' Kim, I Call 'Bullshit'

As I sweated to oldies Metallica on the elliptical machine last night, I happened upon Lil' Kim's "25 Random Things About Me" survey, as published in US Weekly magazine (yes: I can read, sweat and rock all at once). Generally, I tend to skip over this feature, but Lil' Kim has always held a certain underground dirty diva appeal for me—plus we never had to hire security to keep her out of the XXL offices the way we did Foxy "Meshugatz" Brown.

When I actually started reading the column, I almost fell off the exercise machine laughing. Sure, I can believe that Kim learned to "cook amazing and interesting meals in prison" (#2), she definitely looks like she enjoys candlelit bubble baths (#21), and I most certainly can see how a crab—instinctually, probably—bit her on the vag while she was swimming in the Bahamas (#10).

Still, there are just a few things I'm not buying. For #25, she wrote "I'm very intelligent," which as a survivor of the music business, I can believe she's no dummy, but c'mon, writing that is the meme equivalent of seeing homely chick on the Jersey Shore wearing T-shirts that say "Hottie" or "Sexy." If you have to say it, you're probably not.

Finally, I call utter Bullshit on #23: "I enjoy reading my Bible every day." Really? This is the same woman who's second highest Google search request is "Lil' Kim Bathroom Pics," and gave us such soul-searching lyrics as, "Queen bitch red lipstick/The all black harlot call me black Barbie/Fuck a blow job it's a motherfuckin' hobby/Under 7 inches, uhh sorry." Every day, huh? When does she find the time?

Kim, stop lying. You are a bass-ass bitch, and bad-asses just don't have time for Bible Study. Leave that shit to Elizabeth Hasselback.


Anonymous said...

I rock to Metallica and Soilent Green during my workouts. We rock the casbah.

This blog was hilarious. I'd call bullshit on her bible studies, as well. xo

Anonymous said...

Zena, you out badass that bitch 8 days a week. get real.