Friday, March 6, 2009
Lil' Kim, I Call 'Bullshit'
As I sweated to oldies Metallica on the elliptical machine last night, I happened upon Lil' Kim's "25 Random Things About Me" survey, as published in US Weekly magazine (yes: I can read, sweat and rock all at once). Generally, I tend to skip over this feature, but Lil' Kim has always held a certain underground dirty diva appeal for me—plus we never had to hire security to keep her out of the XXL offices the way we did Foxy "Meshugatz" Brown.
When I actually started reading the column, I almost fell off the exercise machine laughing. Sure, I can believe that Kim learned to "cook amazing and interesting meals in prison" (#2), she definitely looks like she enjoys candlelit bubble baths (#21), and I most certainly can see how a crab—instinctually, probably—bit her on the vag while she was swimming in the Bahamas (#10).
Still, there are just a few things I'm not buying. For #25, she wrote "I'm very intelligent," which as a survivor of the music business, I can believe she's no dummy, but c'mon, writing that is the meme equivalent of seeing homely chick on the Jersey Shore wearing T-shirts that say "Hottie" or "Sexy." If you have to say it, you're probably not.
Finally, I call utter Bullshit on #23: "I enjoy reading my Bible every day." Really? This is the same woman who's second highest Google search request is "Lil' Kim Bathroom Pics," and gave us such soul-searching lyrics as, "Queen bitch red lipstick/The all black harlot call me black Barbie/Fuck a blow job it's a motherfuckin' hobby/Under 7 inches, uhh sorry." Every day, huh? When does she find the time?
Kim, stop lying. You are a bass-ass bitch, and bad-asses just don't have time for Bible Study. Leave that shit to Elizabeth Hasselback.